I reached for my phone, just as I was about to unlock it I saw a follow request on instagram. “hmm… I haven’t liked any random pics lately… no clue who this is” I thought. I unlocked my phone and scrolled through to my instagram app. Upon opening it, I decided to creep this individual, I didn’t recognize his display picture- I scrolled through and eventually I came up to a photo that I recognized- “oh shit, that’s Jessie’s ex fiancé” I said aloud. Henry shuffled but didn’t say anything. I looked at him, he was still sleeping so I continued to insta creep this person. I found it odd that when they were together, he never acknowledged my presence outside of her company… and now he wants to be Instagram buddies… that was not going to happen… Henry rolled over and wrapped his leg over me, I could feel his erection against my backside. “what the fuck, is this guy an energizer bunny or something?” I thought to myself, I was satisfied, with Henry I was always satisfied, but I needed sleep before I got twisted into a pretzel again with him. Just as I was about to click on another photo- I saw a text message come in from Jessie. I clicked the notification and opened the message:

Jessie: Hey babe still on for tonight?

Instead of responding, I decided to call her. I untangled myself form Henry and walked to the kitchen,

“Hey babe” she said as she picked up “hey!” I said then continued “Yea we’re still on for tonight… but that’s not why I called you… do you know who ******** is?” I asked ” Yea, that’s Daniel, why?” she responded. “oh, he just sent me a request on Instagram, I’m not going to accept it- I just find it weird that he sent me a request, considering that we aren’t friends” I said “NO NO NO NO DO NOT ACCEPT!!!! REJECT IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG With HIM?” she almost yelled… I instantly regretted saying anything, me and my fucking big mouth- didn’t want any drama ugh. “ok, well I don’t think anything of it, but its just odd I guess” I said “hun I’m at Henry’s so I will see you later at Jacks for drinks” I said “ok babe, see you later” she said then hung up.

I looked at the time, I was starting to get hungry so I decided to surprise Henry with something to eat. I know I taste good, but man cannot live on woman alone, so I quickly changed and ran down to Starbucks and grabbed coffee, green tea a fruit salad and two muffins. On my way back my phone started vibrating, it was Jessie calling. I didn’t want to deal with that yet- I needed to go back to Henry’s have breakfast, help him furniture and grocery shop and spend the rest of the day with him before heading back to suburbia.

When I got back I heard Ed Sheeran’s “I See Fire” playing I loved that song, then I heard a low humming in the background- Henry was singing, first time I heard him sing- he wasn’t the greatest singer but still he was singing my favourite song. I could get used to this, coming home everyday to a happy guy, to him- we weren’t exactly official, I didn’t have a title- he was just someone I had dinners with and slept with and fought with, but I didn’t have a title, I wanted to know where I stood- where this was going… shit I was catching hard feelings for this guy.

“Brought you breakfast” I said interrupting his singing. Henry turned around “I was hoping you’d be breakfast” He said smiling then walking towards me “Here, got you coffee just the way you like it” I said looking at him, Henry was acting odd- strange, like how he did when he did lines. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” I almost snapped putting down the food “What?!” he said trying to pin me against the counter “You’re still doing that shit!” I said as moved away from him I saw a little packet- I reached for it but he cut me off then pinned me against the counter.  “Babe, calm down, do a line with me, just like old times” he said “No dude, I’m done with that” I said trying to move away from him, but he held me still. “Really, since when?” he said pushing his crotch into me, this wasn’t a position I was hoping to be in, I thought he’d grow out of this, stop this shit- after everything that happened I wanted to believe that he would change- but I guess somethings will never change. “Henry, let me go” I said trying to push him off, but he just pressed his weight into me, “Just one line babe” he said holding me, he lifted my chin so that I could look up at him then lowered his mouth to mine. I tried to turn my head but he kept finding my mouth, “no Henry, stop” I said trying to avoid his mouth, he looked wounded “why?” he asked as I shoved past him and grabbed the packet and rushed to the washroom and locked the door. “Remy, open the door” I heard him say, he was calm- this wasn’t new- it took a lot for him to get mad, I looked at the packet remembering the good times we had when we were high out of our minds, but I grew up- I was done with that and he needs to be done with it too, I emptied it in the toilet then slowly opened the door and braced for the fall out.

“Where is it Remy?!” Henry demanded, I got some distance between us, then looked at him “Henry, this needs to end- I threw it away” I said I thought he was going to explode, yell at me, scream at me, kick me out but instead he just stood there staring at me in disbelief. “Fuck you” he said then threw his hands in the air, I wanted to run over to him, but instead I made sure to keep my distance- sober, drunk and high Henry are all scary men when they get angry, he’s never been violent with me, but I’ve been on the receiving end of a back hand and a fist of another man and I didn’t put it past anyone to lose their shit on me. So I slowly made my way out of the room into the kitchen and sat at the end of the counter as far from his bedroom as possible.


The following morning, I woke up way too hot. That’s my problem with sleeping over– I hate being cuddled, it’s impossible for me to sleep, its too hot and I just wake up with a headache and in a foul mood. I guess I wasn’t hugged enough as a child… I untangled myself from Henry then went to the washroom, I needed to pee. I brushed my teeth and made sure that I didn’t have any mascara residue from last night. Normally that makes me look like I have dark circles under my eyes, they are the hardest things to get off, if you don’t have the right OIL FREE make up remover. In this case, I thank the heavens for the wipes, because I would have been looking like I had a bird’s nest on my head, raccoon eyes and really greasy face.. I looked worst than a hot mess… I brushed my hair then went back into the room. Henry was now laying on his back, still fast asleep. I tipped back to bed and climbed in, then turned on my side facing away from him. I was hoping I would be able to get at least 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up, but that wasn’t going to happen. Henry rolled over and wrapped his arms round me and started snoring again. “Ugh, I can’t get a break” I thought and laid there trying to will myself to sleep.

At no point did I go into a deep sleep, I was resting I guess- I was aware of every sound, every movement everything and I was too damn hot. I sat up, then walked to the kitchen and got some water to drink, then went back- then inspiration hit me. I quickly undressed then climbed in, I needed to get laid in order to sleep. Lots of frustration, lots of emotions, I needed a thorough fucking… but if I couldn’t get that, I’d just have to work with what I had.

I snuggled next to Henry then started kissing his neck, cheek moving my way down to his chest. I could hear his breathing change and I knew that he was no longer asleep. I ran my fingers down to his pants and slowly put my hands in his pants and started to massage his penis. This was mine and I was taking no prisoners.  “Rem, are you’re taking advantage of me?” he said groggily, I smiled then said “tying you up while you’re asleep, then riding you would be taking advantage of you” I said. He chuckled then readjusted his body so that I could have access to his crotch to give him some head. I could feel myself getting wet from how hard he was getting from my touch, my tongue sucking on the tip, while playing with his balls, I could hear him moaning, he was so hard, the veins along his penis were pulsing. “stop Remy, I wanna eat you” He said sitting up and positioning me so I would be on fours, doggy style. He got behind me and bit my butt cheek then ran his fingers down my bum to my clit. He played with it, squeezing, flicking then lowered himself and made me sit in his face. I felt like I was finally getting somewhere with him, I was finally connecting with Henry, my insides were all over the place, I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, one man shouldn’t have this impact on me. My body was hot and was screaming for him, I wanted Henry inside of me, I wanted to feel him expanding in me. “Henry!” I cried out when he started to finger me, I felt like I was going to erupt, “I want you inside me” I said, he pulled away, “Rems, I don’t have a condom” He said “I don’t care, I’m on the pill” I said, he flipped me over and got behind me then, slowly he inserted himself inside. It was a good pain, it hurt but it felt good. He pushed my chest down, so that my bum would be in the air and my head would be down on the bed, and he went slow. It was a slow grind, hitting my spot every time, I felt the sensations rising in me and I wanted him to pick it up a bit, but instead, he pulled out and spanked me with his part then inserted and did a slow grind again. I was loving it, I felt like my body was slowly coming alive and I wanted him to pick it up. Henry, flipped me onto my back and threw both my legs over his shoulder, he leaned over to kiss me as he entered and with 4 hard fast thrusts, the flood gates opened, I moaned his name as I came, just as Henry was cumin, he pulled out and came all over my face.  I didn’t want it getting into my eyes, it burns like a bitch. Henry led me to the washroom and I washed my face as he showered, after he got out, I jumped in and showered. I felt relaxed, like I was ready to sleep, by the time I was back in the bedroom, Henry was back in bed, on his back, fast asleep. I pulled the covers back and climbed in, feeling fresh and clean. Just as I was getting all comfy, Henry rolled behind me and started spooning me…



Andy: How are you?

Me: I’m well, how are you?

Andy: Good, long time no talk eh

Me: Meh, I wouldn’t say that… its more like ‘you didn’t text back to confirm our date’. whats up?

Andy: Ouch

Me: It’s true

Andy: I guess I deserved that

Me: I really didn’t say anything to hurt your feelings

“Who are you texting so intently?” Henry asked from the doorway. I looked up then showed him my phone. “Oh” he said as he read the messages. “So I don’t give into your hints and you text another man?” I rolled my eyes then took my phone back. “its not like that” I responded

I glanced at my phone and saw that Andy had messaged, I read it then quickly typed a response and turned back to Henry. “Honestly Remy, thats so disrespectful, if I did that to you- I’d be getting hit across the face” I looked at him then leaned my head to the left “and you would have deserved it” I said I didn’t want to fight with Henry- I knew if we started to fight, then I’d pack my bags and be heading out the door and then that would be another issue, because I’d be slightly intoxicated and leaving his place with my bags. Knowing Henry, he’d probably not let me leave and then it would start a whole new round of fighting. I got off the chair and headed for the bedroom, I hated the fact that he didn’t have a couch- he’d be crashing on it tonight. “I’ve had a very exhausting day, I was hoping that you and I would have dinner and a nice quiet evening- but that doesn’t seem to be the case, so I’m going to bed” I walked by Henry, went straight to bed.

I laid there playing candy crush when he entered the room. He took his shirt off then climbed into bed. I turned my back to him- just to make a further point that I didn’t want to talk to him. Yes I know I’m being childish and truth be told, had the shoe been on the other foot- I would have probably lost my shit and the whole building would have heard about it. I continued to play candy crush, getting slightly agitated at the fact that I could not clear all the jellies. I sighed then put my phone down and turned to face Henry. He was on his back, hands behind his head probably staring at the ceiling.

I rolled over and cuddled next to him and pulled the blanket up over us. Henry wrapped one arm around me but didn’t look at me ” Whats wrong?” I whispered, Henry sighed ” you’re a brat” he said “I know and you knew this about me” I said “Yes, but I was hoping that you’d grow out of that” he said, I wasn’t gonna like- that hurt, he was calling me immature “ouch” I said, in a sense I guess I kinda deserved it. “I’m sorry I was texting Andy, it wasn’t one of those situations- I haven’t spoken to him in a while and he just texted me out of the blue” I said, Henry didn’t respond, so I continued ” He wanted to let me know that he was engaged” I said. Henry sighed “how do you feel about that?” I wasn’t sure, I felt like every guy I dated, they got married and had kids and I was still in this position… in a sense I felt like I kept letting the good ones go. “I’m ok with it, I guess” I said, Henry rolled onto his side so that he could look at me, I smiled at him “you guess?” he said. I bit my lip “yea, I should hate him for playing me like that, but I don’t… in one way, I am happy for him, cuz she can give him something I can’t… on the other side he’s giving her everything I want” I said. Henry stared at me, “well, everything happens in its own time… so just be patient” he said pinching my cheek. “I suppose” I said. “Wanna watch a movie?” I asked, Henry pulled me closer- “nah I just want to cuddle” He said  as he wrapped himself around me.



Henry looked at me and smiled “you look beautiful” he said then walked over to me and took my hand then walked towards the door. I liked his apartment, it was nice. I loved his kitchen… stainless steel appliances. I looked at his kitchen, the marble countertops, the island that would be perfect for chopping vegetables for maybe a chopsuey, but tonight I knew that Henry would want to christen his new apartment and that meant fucking me on every possible surface. “My poor vagina” I thought…

We were going to Toula for dinner. I liked it there, 38th floor great 360 view of the downtown area, fantastic. When we got to the Westin, walked towards the scenic elevator. I looked up at Henry and smiled… “I like this place” I said, Henry held my hand and pulled me towards him- “me too.” he said as he ran his hand down my backside and squeezed. I thought about what it would be like having a quickie in the elevator… mind you we would be exposed to Toronto, but then no one would really see us…or would they? Thinking about it, its a lit glass box and everywhere else is dark… yeah they probably would see us. I’m sure Henry would love to put on a show.

During dinner I just wanted to eat and be gone, I loved Toula- one of my favourite places to eat, its romantic with great views of downtown, but tonight I was more curious about something else. I wanted to hear why Henry got an apartment and what he was planning on doing in Toronto. “Babe, do you want to skip dessert?” I asked sweetly “What do you have in mind?” he asked “Eat My Martini” I said Henry smiled “I’d rather eat something else” he said as he put his wine glass to his lips. he maintained eye contact, I suddenly felt like my insides were about to explode. He was about to go on the hunt and I liked that about him. I swallowed then took a sip of my wine, I had to cross my legs to hold whatever that was going on down there in. I wanted Henry, its been so long and I just wanted to feel him moving inside me. “Maybe we can go somewhere closer” I said as I pursed my lips.

After dinner I went to the washroom to check my make up. As much I as I was going au natural, wine made my eyes swell and then all of a sudden I ended up with raccoon eyes. I made sure that my mascara didn’t run down then reapplied my lipstick. For some reason I decided to check my phone there was a text from Andy.

”hi” thats all it said, I decided to ignore it, whatever it was- it could wait, I didn’t care to have a conversation with Andy right now. I was still annoyed with him for what he did and we hadn’t spoken since I found out about his batshitcrazy girlfriend. I quickly made sure that my hair was still looking normal then I headed back up to meet Henry. I hated that the washroom was a floor down, my feet were starting to hurt, I held on the railing and slowly climbed the stairs “why the fuck did I think I could make it to College in these?” I mumbled to myself.

When I got back, Henry was waiting by the elevator. “perfect timing” he said as the elevator doors opened, Henry allowed me to enter first then he followed. I leaned against the handle and looked up at Henry, who was no looking down at me. He pushed his crotch towards me, I welcomed the firmness. I inhaled sharply then held on to the railing like I was holding on for my dear life. Henry touched my nose with his, I wanted to feel his mouth on mine, I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him on to me, I wanted to feel his hand on my waist, I needed him to grab my bum and hold me on him… but he didn’t he just stood there looking down on me. I’m sure my want was written all over my face, I guess Henry just wanted to stretch this out as long as possible. I could play Henry’s game or I could totally just jump him right then and there- but I decided to play his game– I guess this would be our foreplay. “so Eat My Martinis?” I asked sweetly. Henry smiled “can you stand after those glasses of wine?” he asked “i’ll manage” I said as the elevator opened on the ground floor, I slipped past Henry then headed to the concierge to call us a cab.

Instead of going to Eat My Martinis we went back to the condo, Henry had started to rub his hand along my legs in the cab then slowly between my thighs- I was not sure if I could stand being teased any longer so I politely asked the driver to take us to the condo- which was thankfully so much closer. When we got back- again we were in the elevator, yet nothing, he was being such a pussy tease it was annoying. I really wanted to get laid- I had a long rough day and I needed to find my release somehow, but Henry was all about games it seemed. He was clearly enjoying putting me through hell and I was playing right into it. Where did this sadistic side of him come from? When we got back to his condo, Henry took his jacket off and walked directly to the bedroom, I stood there thinking “wtf”. “Henry, are you ok?” I asked as I entered the room. Henry was half undressed, I couldn’t help but look at him- he looked like something that should be posted up in the middle of Time Square on a billboard. I immediately regretted the glasses of wine I had and how pouchy certain parts of me looked – thats what I get for eating so poorly the past few weeks… months.

“Yeah, gonna take a shower” Henry said then walked into the washroom. I was tempted to follow him but I can take a hint- so I undressed and went straight to the kitchen. Of course it was empty- this guy doesn’t cook, he doesn’t clean he pays people to do this stuff… I walked about not sure what to do, I could go home- but I hated taking the train at this time of the night and I suppose I could meet up with some friends who lived downtown- but Henry would probably not like that so I was stuck. By the looks of it, I wouldn’t be getting laid and I was in a beautiful empty apartment with nothing to do but to wander about. This was hell… I reached for my phone and texted Andy “hey” I sent back.


“Time is up, pencils down” said the lead procter of my Professional Responsibility Exam. I put my pencil down and looked around at the other students in the exam… what a relief it was to be done.

‘5 more minutes’ I told myself… I had already suffered through the last 3.5 hours… what’s 5 minutes more right?

I waited what felt like another 30 minutes until I was given the go ahead to leave the room and then I picked up my notes and bolted for my Longchamp and overnight bag at the entrance of the room. I grabbed it as fast as I could, shoved my notes in and pulled my phone out. Henry was in town and I made plans to see him after this exam.

James and I fizzled, he was too busy with work- school whatever it was that he was doing… yea he ate like a champion and fucked my brains out but thats all we did. I felt like it was just a friends with benefits relationship and I wasn’t looking for that. I already had that and more with Henry… so why would we go that route?

I made my way out to the Exhibition Place Go station and called Henry… I couldn’t wait to see him… looking like crap and all… I just wanted to take a hot bath/shower and sleep…

When the train to Union Station pulled in, it was only a 8 minute or so ride to Union from Exhibition place… not enough time to get a quick shut eye… but Henry was going to meet me at Union and then we’d make it over to The Thompson hotel. He had some exciting news he wanted to share…

“Henry, let me say what I need to say before you cut me off” I said, I heard him sigh but he kept quiet. I had made a list of things that I needed to talk to him about following the “fuck yous” and the high level of maturity displayed by hanging up on him. I clung tightly to my notepad and took a deep breath.

  • Controlling tendencies
  • The constant misleading
  • Asking me about my sex life

I made it through the list surprisingly fast, Henry listened as I spoke and waited his turn to talk. I was really nervous about this conversation… in the past it was always one-sided but he listened and he apologized without me pointing out that he needed to apologize.. that was huge. Then we got to the topic of my relationship with James. “Remy, I fucked up, I shouldn’t have shut you out the way I did, but I don’t like you with him. I don’t want you with him… I hate the idea of another man inside you” Henry said. I wasn’t sure what emotions I was feeling, I wanted to cry, laugh everything. “Henry, you stopped talking to me, you whored it up out in BC and the whole time I was trying to apologize and make things right- you pushed me away. What was I supposed to do? Not date?” I asked Henry laughed… “yea that would have been nice” he said then continued ” I’m coming out next week, will you see me… go to Chicago with me?” I almost lost my shit ” No Henry, I won’t see you. Our fucking days are over. I like James, he’s here and I like him and I need you to respect whatever it is that’s about to happen with James.” I said. Henry was silent then he said “thats not fucking fair, I deserve the chance” at this point I think I saw red, this talk was not going the way I wanted it to… he somehow managed to hijack MY talk and made it seem like I’m now denying him something… what the fuck was going on?! “Henry, I need you to be my friend and back off… let it run its course. If it works thats great… if it doesn’t, it wasn’t because I didn’t give him a full chance” Henry sounded like he was about to break something “whatevs” he said

I got off the train and walked towards the Bay St exit from the platform, I knew that’s where Henry would be waiting for me… I made my way down the stairs and towards the exit, there he was standing right by the door looking so fresh as ever. He was in a suit, a black suit, he looked amazing. I felt my breath hitch as I walked towards him. He has a slight scruff going for him, he looked beautiful. I swallowed and exhaled then walked over to him. He smiled and I felt my knees go weak… “shit, will I ever get over looking at this man?” I thought to myself.

“Hi” he smiled pulling me towards him and kissing my cheek. Thankfully, I have some restraint, I pulled away and looked at him “hey” I smiled at him. I never felt so basic in my life… here I was in converse, jeans and a t-shirt… hair in a messy ponytail, reading glasses on, no make up… I felt really basic yes… “how was your exam?” he asked as he took my overnight bag and wrapped his arm around my waist.

This man had a crazy effect on me, I was soaking wet down there just from looking at him… he touched me and I swear I came. I just wanted to feel him pressing his body against mine, I wanted to feel him on top of me, I really needed to get laid… I needed Henry in me, on top of me… I needed to taste him.

We made our way not to the Thompson as I had thought, but to a Condominium on Blue Jays way. “Why are we here?” I asked him, Henry looked at me and smiled, “you’ll see” he said as he held my hand and walked towards the entrance. I wasn’t sure what to think… I wasn’t in the mood to meet up with any of Henry’s buds dressed like this. We made our way up to the 20th floor, when we got to the apartment Henry opened the door and held it open for me.

I made a face, but I trusted Henry so I walked into the apartment. It was empty… I looked at him he smiled “look around” I turned around then looked at him… Henry closed the door then stood behind me and started steering me through the apartment. Maybe I lacked imagination but it was just a 1 bedroom + den apartment that had no furniture except a bed and a suitcase in the bedroom. I laughed out when I saw Henry’s suitcase… “are you serious?!” I said turning to look at him. “Yep, go shower we have reservations” he said. I looked at Henry, “still controlling” I thought. “You have no towels, nothing for me to use… how exactly am I supposed to get ready for dinner with almost nothing” Henry looked at me then rolled his eyes- “oh you’ll just have to learn to make do” he said then walked away.

Of course he had his towels and what not in his bathroom… I used everything and tried to keep it as neat as possible. There would be no room service, no turndown service no maid to do anything actually knowing Henry… there would be a Molly somewhere picking up after him.

As I undressed and climbed into the shower I thought about how far we’ve come. After James and I lasted three more dates… he got busy, I got busy he liked fucking and that  was it. As much as I liked a good toss and turn, I needed more and I wasn’t getting that from James. Henry and I remained in contact, I often messaged him when I felt things were not on track with James and eventually our late night texts/ phone conversations became sexting and phone sex. I eventually flew out to BC to see him and the trip was amazing… Vancouver is a beautiful city and I could see myself living there. I loved waking up to Henry everyday and him making me breakfast, late night dinners followed by intoxicating sex.

I got dressed quickly… I felt like wearing a maxi dress, so I pulled out my green halter maxi dress from Marciano. For some reason tonight, I felt like being all covered… no curves, just arms and face. Henry would have to deal with the thigh high splits and use his imagination… After all, covering up sometimes is a good thing. I quickly pulled my hair into a ponytail and made a sock bun at the top of my head. I quickly put my make up on, kept it really simple… When I was done I examined myself from head to toe… Something was off, I didn’t look right, I didn’t like anything about my make up… My eyes looked tired… I guess that’s the result of studying all night then writing a three hour exam the next day.

“Babe, you ready? We gotta go” Henry said as he walked into the bathroom. “I look tired” I said Henry looked at me then smiled, ” you look perfect, let’s go” he said pulling me towards the door. “Wait, let me put some perfume on… Jeez what’s with the rush?!” I said pulling my hand away and taking my Miss Dior out and sprayed myself. I pulled a pair of sandals on then met him at the door.

“Ready” I smiled


I liked James, he was normal, educated and ambitious. He knew what he wanted and the conversations with him, with the exception of the times I zoned out were more indepth than sex, drugs and sex. To be honest, I love sex- I love trying different positions, different things and playing with toys- but when conversations can’t move past that to something like social justice, politics or even the damn weather- I get bored and then annoyed and then I just don’t want to do anything with you. I need to be intellectually stimulated as well as being stimulated down there. I guess that’s the result of opening up my horizons and dating someone out of my age group.

I didn’t want to spend the night, I’ve only ever spent the night with Henry and that was after months of hooky. I don’t do the walk of shame very well, so at 3 am, I quietly rolled out of bed and tip toed to get my clothes on. I tried to get dressed quickly and quietly so that I wouldn’t wake James. I quietly snuck out his room and closed the door behind me, then went searching for my clutch and coat and pumps. In the old days, I’d just leave a goodbye note on a post it and left- but this wasn’t a student room, this was a proper residential place for a bachelor and I wasn’t going to go digging through his place trying to find a notepad or something. I spotted his phone and decided that I would send him a text saying that I had fun and had to go. I quickly typed a text and watched his phone receive it, then headed for the door. “I could totally dig through this guy’s house and he wouldn’t wake up” I chuckled to myself as I pulled the door up behind me.

I made my way to the parking lot, got in my car started it, then called Henry.

“Hey” he answered on the first ring, I waited for the bluetooth to sync before I started driving. “Hi, whats up?” I asked. “Are you busy?” He asked “Just heading home” I said “Where were you?” He asked, I hesitated “Umm.. just out with a friend for dinner” I said, Henry didn’t say anything “Guy?” he finally asked ” Yea” I said softly, “Did you guys have sex?” He asked ” really to the point eh? Does it matter Henry?” I asked- he had no right to ask this. He was mad at me for how long, didn’t talk to me, shut me out, slutted it up and now that I finally put myself back out there, he decides that he wants answers ” I don’t suppose so” He said “Guess it was good, call me when you get home” then hung up.

I sat there fuming, I could feel the anger rising in the pit of my stomach like bile. I couldn’t drive in this state, I called him back “what the fuck was that?” I asked as he picked up. ” What are you talking about?” he responded, “You wanted to talk, I called you, now you’re being a fucking bitch about it!” I snapped “I’m not going to have a conversation with you, while you’re being like that” he said I felt my scalp prickle, if you poured water on me, it would start boiling “Henry, go fuck yourself.  Good Night” I said then hung up. Great! Real mature of me, somehow he managed to get under my skin, I put the car in reverse then headed for the Gardiner, I needed to get home. I decided that I wasn’t going to deal with Henry until I got some much needed sleep. I wouldn’t text, call, email, whatsapp nothing to him until I slept. I didn’t know what his problem was, we had a weird relationship- we were young, horny and in a foreign country with no one to answer to. We did whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted and it was fun. I got pregnant, I did an abortion and kept it from him. He was mad because he didn’t get the choice- what choice? Did he plan on me wearing the title of ‘baby mother’- sorry, I will only respond to that title when the baby daddy is also my husband. He wasn’t going to marry me, he was still a kid, I was still a kid and I knew for sure that I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I admit, maybe it was wrong of me to keep that secret from him, but in all honesty- what would he have done.

“Remy, I wanted to help you make the choice- yes I was drunk and high and fucked up 3/4s of the time, but I feel like that would have been the shock I needed to change my ways sooner than later. I wasn’t ready to be a father, but I helped to make that child you were carrying and I deserved to be told. I deserved to have a say in regards to what happened to it” He said I sighed, and tried really hard not to roll my eyes- shitty thing about facetiming is that they see everything once the camera is on. “I’m sorry, but you don’t have a say in what affects my body, I get that you needed a wake up call- but this wasn’t the wake up call for you, you can’t control everything and I think that’s really what’s upsetting you- I did something that you couldn’t control and you hate that” I responded. Henry looked wounded, I was right- he liked to control everything. Before I met him, I was exposed, but I would have never done drugs or rebelled like that. I got a lot out of the relationship, arrangement whatever you want to call it, but I also gave up a lot for it- control of my life.

As I drove north on the DVP I found myself making a mental list of what I want I needed to talk to Henry about. Its sad, because once I get him on the phone- I freeze and nothing makes sense anymore- I needed to write these points down, until then I needed to get home, get some sleep and then talk to Henry and put this shit to rest once and for all. “Glory and Gore” by Lorde came on through my ipod “this is a good leg day song” I thought as a cruised up the DVP.


Nine- And I’m feeling fine…

James is 6’5″, with a well toned body and abs that rivals Michelangelo’s ‘David’ abs. He is a finely sculpted man, nicely chiseled jaw, thick bushy eyebrows- which at first I envied him for and his full lips. He is part Portuguese part Guyanese- go figure a great mix. I like the sound of his voice, a very manly voice, not a soft still a boy not yet a man voice.

I kept staring at him, thinking where I wanted his lips to go and where I wanted his hands to touch me. I just wanted to plant kisses along his biceps up to his shoulders and down his chest. I found myself toying with the idea of how he would be in bed and probably how sore I would be after. Its been four months since I’ve had sex and I was growing more and more frustrated. I am too much of a prude to masterbate- I find it quite embarassing really, so I went hard at the gym, especially on leg days. I now have curves for days according to my friends, too bad I wasn’t going somewhere that required a bikini anytime soon… I’d love to show this body off. I know this is such a bad habit, but I completely zoned out while he was talking about his trip to Rome. I kinda stopped listening the minute he mentioned the word “hostel”

“I got so sick in Venice! I stayed in Mestre then took the bus into Venice daily- it was really cheap to do that, than staying in Venice during the carnival” I said, trying to add to the conversation. Truth be told, we stayed at a 4 star hotel in Mestre and got breakfast and wifi included in our stay. The bus stop was literally a two minute walk from the hotel and 2euros was all we had to pay for a 30 minute bus ride to Venice port. Better than staying in a hostel in my opinion- hot showers- fully stocked mini bar, clean towels and yummy breakfast every morning. I’ll do that!

“What do you mean you got sick?” James asked raising an eyebrow at me, I chuckled at the memory of running through Venice in the pouring rain and having my umbrella break, then throwing it and having it clock someone as I ran to the bus and tried to find warmth. “It was ridiculously cold and I didn’t bring my winter jacket- didn’t think it would be that cold- my stupidity” I smiled sweetly then finished my wine.

“What are we going to do with you? The more I learn about you, the more I realise that you’re a little scatterbrained at times” he said, I didn’t know whether to act like I was offended or not- truth be told, if it doesn’t involve my money, I kinda am a little scatterbrained towards it. I smiled and looked James in the eye then bit my bottom lip, then pursed them and shrugged. I needed to bring him back to the fact this was now our third date and it was kinda time to make sure that we are sexually compatible before we wasted anymore time. “I’ll be right back” I said excusing myself as I took my clutch and walked to the washroom. I needed to remind him that I was here now, but I wouldn’t be here tomorrow unless he made his move. I didn’t want to come across as too easy, but we’ve been talking for almost a month, we’ve been on three dates now- I’ve been a perfect lady, dressed in a lovely dress each time. If cleavage was showing, legs were covered, if legs were covered, cleavage was showing. Tonight, I decided I wanted to show curves more than anything. I wore a v-neck dark red short sleeved mini dress, nothing fancy, it was body hugging and you saw nothing but curves. I left my hair bone straight and wore black Kurt Geiger pumps, with gold jewelry. I kept my make-up to a minimum, no fake lashes, no winged eyeliner, just clean and simple- tonight I wanted the curves to do all the talking. As I walked to the washroom, I checked my phone and noticed that I had received a message from Henry, he wanted to talk about something. I resisted the urge to call him, I didn’t want my night to be tainted with thoughts of Henry. I quickly used the washroom and headed back to the table. As I walked over I made eye contact with James, and bit my bottom lip and smiled at him, he smiled back. “Wow, this man is sexy… for an old man” I thought, he didn’t have the same impact on me like Henry did, but he seemed like a really nice guy, down to earth, local and normal- in a good job and he had ambitions. I really liked that about him. He never disappeared in the middle of a conversation for hours without an explanation. I really liked that about him, he had a good relationship with his family and he understood me it seemed. “Wanna go back to my place? Catch a movie?” he asked, I smiled then thought to myself “Seriously, we’re doing the ‘movie’ line” I looked at him then said “Sure, I’m always down for a good movie” stressing “movie”, James laughed the held my jacket for me as I pulled it on.

James lived off Yonge, his apartment overlooked the Gardiner and had a great view of  the CN Tower, “Would you like something to drink?” James asked as he walked barefooted into the kitchen. I couldn’t help but notice how nice his dark purple shirt looked on him. “umm… water is good” I said staring at him from the window. “So what movie are we going to watch?” I asked sweetly- full well knowing he had no intention of putting a movie on. “Whatever you wanna watch” He said as he walked over to me to hand me a bottle of Nestle water. The height difference was really noticeable, I had taken off my 4.5 inch heels and was now a mere 5’5″ soul staring up at him, “thank you” I said taking the water bottle from him, not taking my eyes of him I unscrewed the cap and took a sip. I heard his breath catch and I knew I had him where I wanted him. “this is a great view” I said turning my back to him, throwing him off, stopping the eye fucking and cock teasing. James chuckled then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him- “yes it is” he said then started to run his hands along my side as if he was taking in my curves.

I pushed myself back onto him and wiggled my bum against his crotch. James eased me towards the glass, my face was pressed onto the window, the glass cold, it felt strange, like I was caught between two worlds, my body about to become a fiery hell, only to be met with the cold Canadian winter, on the other side of the glass. It felt good, strange but good. He spun me around and lifted me up so that I could wrap my legs around his waist as he kissed me. He nibbled and sucked my lip then stuck his tongue into my mouth massaging mine with his, I think I got wet just from that onslaught, I wanted to give him more. He tasted so good, if he was doing this to me and he was only kissing me, what would happen to me when he was actually inside me. I could hardly contain myself.

James walked me over to the dining table then sat me down on it, he unzipped my dress and pulled it over my head, leaving me on his dining table in nothing but black lace undies and a black bra with my boobs so pushed up that they looked three times bigger than their normal size. He stepped back and looked at me then smiled, I opened my legs and he stood between them and started kissing me again, this time I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off. Finally, I had the access to his biceps, I’ve coveted them from the day I saw his picture on OkCupid and now I was going to be able to kiss and lick them, his shoulders, his pecs, his abs- they were all there for me to do as I please. I started kissing his chest and made my way down to his abs, but then he pulled me up and pushed me back on the table. From previous discussions, James was made aware that I love getting eaten, one of the things that made me go crazy. He kissed me through my underwear then slowly peeled it off and threw my legs over his shoulder, he licked and rubbed my clit until I started to grind my hips then he stuck his finger in and continued to lick- the cold table, lying there exposed, something about the whole scene just made it so much more erotic, within minutes I exploded- I came from him just playing with me. I laid there thinking “wtf, this guy is amazing! I gotta give him thank you head” I looked up at him and smiled, “amazing” I said “I’m not done with you yet, remember how I said I’m an enforcer” He said with a smirk then pulling me to my feet “Uh oh” I said “Exactly” He said turning me on my front and pushing me on the table, my chest was flat against the table, he held my head flat on the table and I stared at the great view of the Gardiner and the buildings surrounding it. I thought I was exposed before, but now this was so much more- I was still in my bra, I was standing up, ass in the air and face flat against the table- this was so much more exposed, but such a turn on for me, that the idea of what was coming next made me wet. James stuck his fingers into me and moved it in and out slowly, he was hitting my g spot because I was ready to go, I couldn’t move to see what was coming next, which excited me even more. “Motherfucker!” I yelled as I felt James’ hand come down on my ass, he smacked my ass so hard that tears ran out my eyes and then he was in me, he didn’t slowly ease into me, he was rough- he was going to pound the living crap out of me and he was taking no prisoners. It felt good, this was fucking- no love making, no cuddling, no slow and easy bump and grind. I was naughty and now I was paying the piper, there was nothing else to it. This is what I wanted and God he was good, I came within minutes of him entering me, then he followed suit. Oddly enough he was very gentle pulling out of me, even kissed where he smacked my ass and took my hand and brought me back to his bedroom. I felt sore, I didn’t want to cuddle I wanted to pee. I made my way to his ensuite and closed the door.  I sat there peeing when he knocked on the door ” are you ok?” he asked “I’m great” I said, I heard him chuckle but said nothing. “Hmm… clean bathroom, not too much crap on his counter- thats a good sign” I thought as I observed my surroundings.

“I just got thoroughly fucked. This is some serious punishment shit, is this what I really want?” my thoughts were interrupted by him knocking again “did you fall in?” I laughed “do you mind if I take a quick shower, feel free to join me if you want” I said flushing the toilet and climbing into the shower not waiting for an answer. I got my answer a few minutes later when he pulled the screen back and came in with me. He was well endowed. I looked at him and smiled then turned my back and continued to wash off, then making way for him to wash off, washing his back for him. It was nice to shower with James, make out with him as the hot water washed over us.

“I had a good time tonight” I said pulling my underwear on, James smiled then pulled me to him “me too, come keep me warm” he said lifting me resting me on his bed. He climbed in and pulled me towards him, cuddling me….

Eight- Love/Hate!

October….  Trip to Anguilla

November…. Started working, texted Henry- response I got back was “I need time to think”  my initial response was “wtf stop being such a bitch about it” but then my best friend pointed out that I was being a “hard bitch” and that I was in the wrong. I had no reason to be upset and so I need to respect his wishes and give him space.

In hindsight, yes I was somewhat of a bitch – slapping him, withholding information like that from him- it was wrong of me to do that. I was a snarky spoiled brat and I do have some remorse for the way I acted, especially when he’s been nothing but patient with me. Its sad that it took someone to point that out- I guess I really fell off.

December… Friend passed away, sorted things out with Henry- He still hates me… kinda

January… Blocked and deleted Andy, started online dating…

Met Matthew, a 28 year old entrepreneur with grey eyes. In my opinion he needed a tan… a little too pale for me. Matthew sent me a smiley on eHarmony (biggest waste of time ever) and so I felt obligated to talk to him. I wasn’t attracted to him, to be quite honest, if I don’t see myself banging someone- they instantly get friend zoned- which seems to be a lot of guys these days.

So I had no interest in Matthew- but for some reason, he was like a pitbull with a bone- bone being me. When he asked me for my number, I hesitated and didn’t answer him after that. The next day he asked me again and I gave it to him. I was hoping that he would get a hint that I wasn’t really interested and go away- my bad.

Anyway, the second he got my number, he called me- I was at work, I wasn’t going to have a conversation with this person. I texted him and told him I was at work. This guy messaged me continuously, sometimes I would not respond at all and he would back off for a day or two, then start messaging again.

He finally got the hint when I called him pushy, which may have been the wrong word. I should have called him persistent- he kept trying to organize a phone convo and I never had the time nor did I want to make the time. Matthew still didn’t get the hint, then one day I was at work and he texted me

Him: What are you doing this weekend

Me: Lots of things

Him: Well I’m going to a show, the gym and hanging with friends. Your so cryptic

Me: Not cryptic. You asked me a question and I answered it.

Him: Your just trying to avoid me- I see your game

Me: Good thing I have plans. You’re quite pushy eh

Him: Nah like, I’m just tryin to give you a hard dick. but you make it hard lol

Him: Hard time, not dick lol

Him: oops

Me: Well, either way it only works if the intended recipient is receptive. You are really pushy.

End of convo. He never messaged me again. Thank God

Took my profile off eHarmony and decided I’m better off on OkCupid. The men on eHarmony were geeks to another level. One guy messaged me and I zoned out reading his essay of an email- which analysed my answers. I hate that. What happened to “hi, how are you, thank you for answering my questions”???

So anyway, set up an OKCupid account and surely enough after what seemed like online shopping… a tall dark and handsome demigod with biceps that I would want to kiss from now till next year popped up. Clearly I messaged him, I saw someone that I was instantly attracted to and I wanted to get to know him.

I was so worried that he wouldn’t message me back, but he did.  He’s doing his masters, he works and he just seemed really mature. He’s 33 years old, oldest I’ve ever allowed myself to talk to. I have tried talking to the older guy before, but at the time I don’t think I was mentally ready. We communicated for a week, then he asked me for my number. I thought that was a good sign- unlike Matthew, he took his time. I mean, I know every guy wants to get laid, but how well you execute your plan determines whether or not you get laid. I was so ready to meet him- in fact, I was willing to break that three date rule and go home with him if he wanted to.

February… started working in a law firm, by the way, his name is James.


Lana Del Rey’s “Born to Die” was playing in the background, I was high out of my mind- I sat on the couch impatiently beside Henry as he snorted a line, I felt like I could bounce down the street- I had so much energy. We had just returned to his flat from the symphony, the bar- some how we decided to walk to his flat instead of cabbing it. I wasn’t thrilled about walking, as I knew that I would be ruining my week old Christian Louboutin pumps. I jumped out the couch and bounced to the fridge, I stood there staring inside as though I was searching for a pot of gold or something. I needed to be busy, I didn’t realise when he came up behind me and pushed me like he was going to shove me into the fridge. Our other friends who were at the house were busy smoking up to even realise what was about to go down between Henry and I. I turned around closing the door as I faced him. Henry lowered his head to mine and then ran his nose along my neck inhaling as he moved his face to meet mine. He ran his hand down to my bum and pulled me on him, I welcomed the feel of his hard penis against my my area. I wanted to shove my hand down his pants right there in front of everyone and massage him. I smiled at him and pushed him away, I craved one more line of blow more than my hand on his penis. I knew he belonged to me, but I wasn’t very sure about the blow- so I made my way over to it.

Asha passed me a joint, I took it then passed it to the David. I didn’t want weed, I wanted another line- I didn’t like it very much- it smelled horrible and it just made me hungry- plus Henry couldn’t get it up on weed, so I tried to avoid it when he was around.  I quickly snorted a line and then climbed on Asha putting my forehead on hers “thank you so much for introducing me to that sex god over there” I smiled at her- “aww babe- I’m glad you two hit it off” she said serenely. Henry lifted me off her and threw me over his shoulders then started walked to his room and threw me on his bed. I squealed as he locked the door then turned to look at me and started to undo his tie as he walked over to me and slipped his hand up my dress and pushed his finger inside me.

“I love this song” I said as I turned the volume up. “born to die” was playing “Why do you like this song?” Henry asked as he brushed my hair behind my ear and pinched my cheek ” best high sex of my life” I said stealing a quick glance at him. Henry laughed “so why don’t you come out to BC next month” I didn’t want to have that conversation right now, not when the song that brought back memories of one of the best nights of our relationship was on. “I dunno, I have to see how things are with my work situation” I said trying to provide a quick end to the topic- but Henry was a pitbull- once he locked on to something, he wouldn’t let it go and this BC topic wasn’t going to go. “Come out for a week, if you don’t like it then I won’t bother you about it again” He said. “We’ll see” I said quickly- at this point I was probably willing to say anything to avoid this topic. I didn’t want to move out to BC- it just wasn’t an option for me, I didn’t want to leave my family- I was too pampered at home- moving out to BC would just turn my world upside down. “come out next month, try it- you can stay at my place” he said with a smirk “I’d get fucked 7 ways from Sunday! I would never get the proper feel of anything but your cock!” I snapped. “Thats not so bad” he laughed. I swear sometimes I’m bipolar- my mood changed and I was annoyed. I liked Henry, he’d make one great boyfriend but somehow this casual fucking that we did whenever he was in town needed to end. I wasn’t getting any younger and I needed to start setting roots with someone. Henry wasn’t moving here and I wasn’t moving there- this had to end. Somewhere between puff and blow and sex and glasses of Veuve Clicquot I placed my self-respect on the shelf.

As we got out and made our way back to Henry’s room, I found myself thinking that I shouldn’t stay the night, that I should get my stuff and leave, just run as fast as I could back to the safety of my home. I knew that if I left, I’d just go home and climb into bed and watch reruns on Millionaire Matchmaker- I’d get depressed and I’d message Andy- which would be a worse fate than staying here in this beautiful hotel, with a beautiful man. Henry pulled me close to him and hugged me. I liked his smell, I liked his body, I liked his face, I loved his personality and I loved that he and only he could actually fuck me to tears.

Henry held the door open for me and I walked in and headed for my weekend bag. “What are you in the mood for?” I asked as I dug through my bag for my birthcontrol. I had forgotten to take it and the last thing I needed was a repeat of last year. Henry and I stopped using condoms after a while and I got pregnant. I had an abortion without his knowledge, this was on secret I was going to take to the grave with me…

“what you have over there” he asked I quickly popped a little pink pill in my mouth and swallowed “its the pill” I said ” why are you on it- I’m the only guy you’ve been banging” he said “why do you wear a condom? I’m the only girl you’ve been banging” I said quickly. He smirked then looked at me “seriously Remy, if you aren’t sleeping with anyone- I’m only in town ever so often- why do you need it?” he asked. “Are you fucking serious right now? Are you really doing this?” I asked. Henry rubbed his hand through his hair then looked at me- he seemed quite irritated by my dodging of his question. I signed ” Its to regulate my period- low iron” I said truthfully then turned my back to him. “why didn’t you just say that instead of getting shady?” he asked “oh for fucksake, you hump me like a damn rabbit every time  you’re in town! The last thing I need is your goddamn condom failing and me getting knocked up again!” I snapped “oh fuck… so much for carrying it to the grave with me” I thought then braced for the war that was about to start.

“again?” Henry said softly- he was scary when he was angry, he wasn’t the type that would kick and scream, he was the silent type with looks that would wound and words that sting bitterly. I was caught- I didn’t prepare for this- I wanted to lie and say that I didn’t mean “again again in that sense” but Henry knew me well and he knew my tells when I lied. I decided not to say anything to him, it was best to not answer him or make contact with him at all. “Remy.. what the fuck did you mean by ‘again’?” he snapped, I couldn’t look at him- I could hear him struggling to remain calm. “Was it mine?” he asked. I just stood there staring at my feet, not saying a word- I was caught and there was no escaping this. He walked over to me and grabbed me by both shoulders and shook me “are you going to fucking answer me?!” he said holding on so tight, I thought I was going to break. “Let me go” I said softly, but Henry held on ” Let me go Henry or I will scream bloody murder” I said again. ” you don’t fucking play fair!” he said shoving me away and walking towards the washroom. He stayed in there for a few seconds then he came back out. He wouldn’t look at me

“yes, it was yours” I said, I still could not look at Henry. “That was mine and you got rid of it?!” He snapped “Yes” I said, still not looking at him. “Are you fucking for real Remy?!?! You can’t even look at me- Don’t you think I deserve to be looked at? I should have been told! I deserved to be apart of that decision!” Henry said I wanted to scream. “Seriously, you were high or drunk or on some crazy trip most of the time! I wasn’t fucking ready to be a mom! You couldn’t even get your shit together long enough for dinner- much less to become a father!” I snapped- that was a low blow- but I didn’t care, I was angry that he was now making me out to be the bad guy. “Get the fuck out” Henry said then walked to the washroom

I was so angry- I wanted to go into the washroom and punch him so hard, I didn’t care that I would probably hurt more than him- I just wanted to beat something. I wiped the tear than ran down my cheek then got up and grabbed my bag and made my way out of his room and the Thompson as fast as I could. Tears running down my cheek as I got to my car- I got in and before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out.


As I pulled into the parking lot at Wonderland, I felt Henry run his hand up my thigh. He kept slipping his hand between my legs all the way from downtown. It was so distracting, couple times I closed my legs with his hand stuck between my thighs but I had to release it as I shifted gears. Apparently the way I handled my car was a turn on for Henry- the way I caressed my gear stick reminded him of the way I jerked him while I gave him head.

“Can you stop trying to distract me” I said as I parked the car. I switched the ignition off and turned to face Henry, who now had a serious bulge in his pants. He looked at me as though he was caught red handed “that turned on eh” I smiled then unbuckled my seatbelt and turned my body towards him. Henry smiled then reached for my face and pulled my face towards his. As I kissed him, I ran my fingers down to his waist and traced his zipper with my finger. I could feel his bulge, it felt like he was struggling to break free from the confines of his zipper. I granted his wish and his penis sprang free. I never really paid close attention to it. But now in the daylight I felt the need to really look at this one eyed monster that gave me so much pleasure. I pulled away from Henry and looked at his penis, there wasn’t anything particularly beautiful about it. To be honest I just thought of a really thick olive colour lollipop. I slowly lowered my lips on to his head and sucked it like I was trying to suck the life out of it. I held the base of his penis and slowly eased him into my mouth and pushed him as far back as I could until I felt a gag coming on. I really hated giving head- but I did screw up with Henry when I hit him and so I had to suck it up (figuratively and literally) and make all well with the world again. I closed my eyes and jerked and sucked Henry until I could feel a pulsing feeling, there was a slightly salty taste in my mouth and when he finally came, a hot liquid gushed in my mouth. He held my head down as he emptied himself into my mouth. I fought hard to not throw up- I hated the warm thick feeling in my mouth- I pulled my head up and did everything I could not to throw up in my car, in Henry’s lap- I’d be livid because I’d miss riding Leviathan and I’d have to drive him back downtown with the smell of puke in my car. I opened the door and threw my head down and spit out the mini Henry’s swimming around in my mouth. I opened the bottle of water in the cup holder and washed out my mouth and gargled. I heard Henry giggling as he cleaned up and put One Eyed Henry away.

“Sorry, I fucking hate the taste of cum” I said as I popped a Strawberry Kiwi Trident splash in my mouth. “Oh I know- but I also know you’re really sorry cuz you let me cum in your mouth” Henry said laughing “Lets go get you tossed around a bit” he opened the door and got out.